FEATURED POST: Thought Catalogue

I first got introduced to Thought Catalogue by a friend of mine. He felt it was something I would like and he was right. I didn't read it only up until yesterday. I was having one of those slow Saturdays. You know the type that make  you feel like a potato with absolutely nothing to do. Thankfully, I remember that he had sent me a link to it in my Facebook inbox. Thus, my Saturday was restored! Lol.

One post in particular stroke a chord in me. I didn't know just how I felt about it. Funny enough, I still don't know. Anyway, here's it is....

http://thoughtcatalog.com/elle-jones/2014/03/why-did-you-even-text-me/#7mkZz8m4CRXd3Imz.01

Why Did You Even Text Me?

MAR. 28, 2014 By ELLE JONES

You text me at 2 AM. I’m already in bed with another guy. Still, the sight of your name on the screen of my phone is enough to jumpstart my heart in a way that he never could. You ask me to come over. I ask if that is a good idea. You respond that it is—that you’re single now. That has my attention. I don’t even bother to ask how recent this development is. I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t been waiting for this moment since the day you started dating her. I never understood why you were with her in the first place, why you weren’t with me. We have so much in common. You get me in a way that no one else does—or at least that’s how it felt, right off the bat—and I’d like to think that I get you too.

So this news that you’re single now, coming to me on a Thursday night at 2 AM, has me creeping out of bed and putting my clothes back on, nervously checking over my shoulder that this other guy, the guy who is filling the space in my bed where you haven’t been in months, is still asleep. He is. Looking at him I feel nothing but regret now. I leave my apartment, closing the door as quietly as possible, walk down the long hallway to the front of my building and emerge into the freezing air. My hands shake from cold and nerves and excitement as I try to light my cigarette.

It’s only a short walk over to where you live, maybe 30 seconds. I’m there before my feet have time to get cold, before my cigarette is even halfway done. I walk up the stairs to your apartment and slip inside. Next thing I know I’m standing in your room and you’re undressing me, kissing me like you never have before, like I’m a huge breath of air after being underwater longer than you should. You carry me over to your bed.

It’s amazing. At least it is for me. I’d forgotten what it’s like to be with you, like my skin is on fire, like I’m finally home again, like everything in the universe is exactly where it should be. I haven’t let myself feel this way in a long, long time, so I’m not sure I remember: is this love?

Afterwards we lay there in your bed—my head on your chest, you arm around me, stroking my back—and we just talk. About anything, about everything. I’m not someone who is great at talking to people, but you make it seem easier than breathing. We talk until after 5 AM when you finally fall asleep. I have class in the morning, so I have to get up and leave, and it breaks my heart. I would stay here forever with you if I could. I try to be as quiet as possible, but part of me hopes that you’ll wake anyway, so I can get one more kiss goodbye. But you don’t wake up and before long I’m back at my apartment. I sleep on a chair in the living room because going back to my bed and sleeping next to him, this other guy, could never compare to what just happened between us.

Now it’s Saturday, two days later. It’s a beautiful day out, the best we’ve had in months, and I’m at a day party. There are maybe two hundred drunken people here, it’s chaos, but even through the sea of St. Patrick’s green I see you almost right away. I’m about to come over and say hi, but then I see her standing next you. She’s hard to miss, she really is beautiful. She walks away from you as I watch, and I think to myself that maybe she just came over to pick a fight with you. That could be possible, I tell myself. But I already know. And an hour or two later I see you walk off, holding her hand. It’s maybe the least affectionate gesture of any, but it takes all the wind out of me, because I know what it means. I want to sit down right there where I’m standing, but the party is still in full swing all around me. That’s probably the hardest part—having to put a smile on my face and pretend I’m having a great time for the next 20 minutes, until my friend finds me and says she’s ready to go.

On the walk back to our apartment I tell her what I saw, and being the good friend that she is, she immediately calls you a dick and tells me I deserve better than you. Is that true? I don’t think you’re a dick. Deep down I think maybe you’re just damaged like I am, fucked up beyond repair.  I can understand it, which is why I think we would fit so well.

But what you did was shady, there’s no denying it. Were you even broken up, or was that a lie? Why did you even text me? What did you want—whatdo you want—from me?  Were you thinking about her when you fucked me? When you held me? Did it make you feel anything like it did for me? Or were you just using me, because you needed to feel better about yourself, and because I was close by and you knew I would come over?  What gives you the right to treat people this way? Does she know what you did that night?

I don’t think you meant to hurt me—quite frankly I don’t think you took my feelings into account at all, which may be the worst part. You only thought about yourself. You were beyond selfish that night. And now, what am I left with? I’m mad. I’m mad at you, and madder at myself. Because you did hurt me, and I let you. I do have feelings. Feelings in the larger sense most definitely, because I’m a person just like any other, but feelings for you, too. Because I love you. I have for a long time now—more than a year, maybe more than two years. I loved you from the first time that we had sex, but I never told you. Like I said, I’m damaged. I was scared. I thought you were out of my league. But now I’m realizing, maybe I’m out of yours.

MUSIC: James Arthur

I've always said that good music has to be shared no matter how old it may be. Today's post is on James Arthur's album which has been out for some months now. Before, I never really did bother to take time out and listen to him. Today, for some reason I found myself downloading and listening to his album.

"James Andrew Arthur (born 2 March 1988)^[2] is a British singer and musician who won the ninth series of The X Factor in 2012. His debut single, "Impossible", was released after the final and debuted at number one on the UK Singles Chart in its first week of release. It has since gone on to sell over 1.25 million copies in the UK and 2.5 million copies worldwide.^[3] He released his self-titled debut album in November 2013. It debuted at number two on the UK Albums Chart."- wikipedia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVveNy5Hrk4 (James Arthur (Deluxe) Full Album)

Tracklist:

“You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You”

“Get Down”

“New Tattoo”

“Impossible”

“Lie Down”

“Recovery”

“Roses”

“Supposed”

“Suicide”

“Is This Love”

“Certain Things”

“Smoke Clouds”

“Flyin’”

WRITING: Crooked Smile

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT?

"Say cheese!"

"Hey! Let's take a picture?"

"Poniso, join our picture."

"Let's have family pictures taken."

Four phrases heard almost every day. Funny enough, many aren't filled with dread upon hearing these words. For people like myself, the utterance of these phrases brings about an uneasiness. Let's go back to 2004 to when my story begins.

A fifth grader with a mouth full of one too many baby teeth. My story begins with a "lump" growing right above my upper-left canine. Not too long after, the same happens on the right side of my mouth. That, my friends, was the start of my photo phobia.

Fast forward a few years later, my teeth are now fully developed and I have two misplaced canines and two misaligned incisors. Talk about a blow to my self esteem. Sometime in 2012, I got my first set of braces. I had those on for about three months. Basically, they were more or less like retainers in the sense that they weren't permanent and had to be removed when eating and brushing. Nevertheless, I was delighted with the development- I was one step closer to "fixing" myself. Shortly, I went to get another pair which I had on for about six to nine months. Again, I didn't mind having to wear them because my journey to perfect teeth had just begun.

My nightmare begun after having snapped one of wires in my braces. My visit to the orthodontist revealed to me that my journey to dental perfection had just begun. Turns out I needed yet another set seeing as the ones I had on already had done their job and were no longer needed. After a consultation, I came back to have my braces taken out a few days later. There I was, back to square one. Would my nightmare end?

Of late I have taken the more positive approach. Hard as it may be, I try to look passed my flaws. Trust me, it easy to look at yourself in the mirror and see something that you so  badly want to fix but can't seem to at the moment. But hey, let's just call it my trademark ;) I think the bigger picture here is first me embracing myself. I think only then will I find satisfaction.

"You keep falling victim cause you're insecure.And when I tell you that you're beautiful you can't be sure"

*Crooked Smile- J. Cole ft TLC (lyrics video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCxaXqwRhvw

WRITING: Beautiful Yet Dysfunctional

Of late my posts have taken a more thought provoking approach. To be honest, I don't know what encouraged this trail of thought. However, that's not to say I don't like it. Saying otherwise would be an absolute lie. Am I a blogger? Yes. Do I like to write? I do but only occasionally. Odd, isn't it? I'd say I blog when I feel the need to. You know, like when I have a pressing thought that I just can't let go. You may or may not have noticed that I wander in circles in my writing until I finally get down to the main point. Let's just call that "organised disorganisation" as my high school teacher would say. None of my work is pre-written so I write as it comes. Basically, I just go with the flow.

With all of that said, I'll get right into today's post. Have you ever been in love? I have and only once. My goodness, it was a whole other experience for me. In all honesty, never have I felt this way before. According to wikipedia, 

"Love refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment.^[1] It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".^[2] It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals"

How do you define love? For me, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I happen to agree that love is "an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment."  If you feel no attraction or attachment, I think it's say it's not love. It could be a crush of some sort or infatuation at the most.

Love, love, love. What prompted this post you say? Well, I just so happen to be in love myself. I fell in love and I fell hard. Ha! It's quite silly actually. To start off, I'm not quite the expressive type. In fact, I'm far from it. So you can imagine the difficulty I have with expression of my emotions. It's terrible but I think it's safe to say I've made a few strides towards improvement. 

I'm still going on with this post and I'm quite uncertain as to where it's going. Nevertheless, I shall continue with my ramblings. I had a blog prior to this one but later deleted it. I'd say it was more of a personal blog and I couldn't cope anymore. As typical of people such as myself, I deleted it and continued to live with my thoughts tucked snugly some where inside my head. I should think this is my most personal post here.

I was seventeen when I first fell in love. Two years later, I'm still in the same boat. Many times I wonder just how it happened. Honestly, this thing called love is crazy. You don't know with who or when it will happen. Ahhh!! I'm tired. This girl over here needs a break.

It's quite a funny predicament I'm in. Truth be told, it's slightly amusing at times. Alas! Such is life; you never really know when it will throw you the curve ball. 

WRITING: Introvert

The trait of extraversion–introversion is a central dimension of human personality theories.

Hello. My name is Poniso and I'm an introvert.

There's a post I read on introverts which I would like to share with you today. We all have misconceptions about things and people. Often times these misconceptions go uncorrected. To be honest, I think that's a shame. This here post is going to do just that; clear your misconceptions. In this case, the ones you have about myself and my fellow introverts.

Funny enough, I always had a hard time describing myself in a nutshell. Eventually, my description of me was "reserved". I didn't like it. I knew there was more to me than simply being reserved. Eventually, I came across the term introvert. After looking it up and reading up on it, I feel like this is much better suited for me.

Thing is, I like some "me time" but then again I do desire to be with a crowd every so often. After all, I am human. We all need somebody. Despite this, there are times when I just want to be on my own. I'm not a loner, no. I just happen to enjoy my own company. You throw in a good novel and I'm good to go. That's actually one misconception people have. Just because I happen to find gratification in my own company does not make me a loner. Like I said, I do enjoy being a part of something, having people around, having a good laugh and letting loose but eventually I feel need to get back to myself. Just because you do not understand it does not mean there is something wrong.



Here's a little something I got off about.com. Please do take time to read this.

Introvert

By Carol Bainbridge

Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energised by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Introverts make up about 60% of the gifted population but only about 25-40% of the generalpopulation.

WRITING: I'm Going To Be Qouted

Dream, dreaming and dreamt/dreamed. Same word, difference tenses. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "I have a dream." Note the use of the word HAVE and not HAD. 

I too have a dream. I want to be quoted. That's right, I want somebody to say my words, have me quoted in publications and even during conversations. Funny dream, isn't it. I'm sure many of you weren't expecting that.

Lupita Nyong'o
2014 Oscars Best Supporting Actress

Thing is, I want to leave something behind. I want when my name is searched on google, more than my Facebook profile appears. No. I'm having none of that. I don't know when or where I'll be quoted but I know it will happen and when it does, it will only be the first of many times to come.

I like to read it sadly I haven't done a lot of it in the past two years. My favourite author is Sidney Sheldon, he's amazing. Anyway, in the Other Side Of Me, he makes reference to standing out from the crowd. I can't give a direct quotation but if memory serves me right, he said something about standing out from everyone else. He wanted to have his legacy and not die as a nobody. He spoke it and that's exactly what he got, his legacy. What's to stop me from getting mine?

"Those who dreamed achieved."

I dreamt, I still am dreaming and hopefully I will have achieved in the not too distant future.